self-care in a genocide
there is an advantage to developing a course of action for nervous system inflammation,
and adjusting/retraining my mindset in this way while i wait for meds.
it has been challenging and my emotions and feelings have weighed heavily on me,
but this feels like a direct address and collaborative rework to the most wounded parts of myself.
every time i experience a negative, shaming, thought,
trying to find some explanation for being ignored,
when i feel an acute emotional dependence on recognition from others,
or crave validation from someone who has indicated they will judge me,
when someone else crosses my boundaries,
when i have the day ahead of me and i feel an urge to lay down and sleep it away,
i must immediately respond in some way, no matter how small.
the eventual goal is an equal and opposite reaction.
my progress must be defended,
and my inner and future child’s real-time impression of me matters more than my urge to
delay, run away, get close, know, self bully, suppress, maladaptively imagine,
see redemption before the harm is addressed,
or see redemption for me before i’ve moved, in action, to secure it.
the first step is to recognize those urges and underlying emotions for what they are, as they happen.
know i am safe to observe myself,
for i will not snap defensively, attack, gaslight, manipulate or diminish myself as others have.
i am safe to observe myself,
because as needy as i am for external validation,
and as readily as i seek it from friend, bar stranger, family member, or therapist,
i am really only comforted and satisfied by those who recognize my innocence in relation to injustice,
my deservingness in relation to context.
this is something i already know, but apparently was not convinced of.
this regard is what originates from me, not the tough love which has disturbed me.
i know what i don’t want to hear.
i am safe to observe myself.
and then respond with an act that reinforces that, besides God, i am the most reliable safe one with me.
show myself, as God shows me the birds and sun and rainbows,
that when i need safety i can make it, and i can trust myself to provide it.
i cannot let any negative thought or experience exist in my memory
without an associated, worth-demonstrating response of mine.
i will have the last say, in the perception of myself i choose.
in this commitment to action,
i am obligating myself into vigilance and responsiveness,
transforming “silence into language and action” (Audre Lorde) the moment i begin to internalize.
the offenses will not collect,
for there will be a steadiness with which i tidy.
go to Mommy as i am blessed to live with her,
invoke Allah as I am blessed to be created by You, Allah, and have you as recourse,
drink water as i have access to it,
eat something as i have access to food,
go outside as i have access to a bombless sky,
say an affirmation or empowering poetic as i have access to the words,
directly assert my boundary because my needs matter and deserve to be known.
use all indications of low security as the reason and impetus for self care.
let my defiance be the activation energy.
and “rest, don’t rest like everyone else” (- Hiatus Kaiyote).
inshaAllah.
to be continued.